I graduated from Harvard in 1993, so my 25th reunion is coming up in 2018. Harvard is weird in a lot of ways, including the fact that they collect autobiographical essays from everyone in your class every five years, print them up as a book, and mail them out just before reunion. Here’s what I just sent in for my silver anniversary reunion:
Hello, my long-lost friends! 25 years later, I think I am finally learning what Harvard didn’t teach me: how to be more like the person I really want to be. Thought I’d share here, since I figure that you, my fellow overachievers, may have struggled with some of the same lifelong anxiety, perfectionism, and sense of insufficiency that I always thought were just part of Who I Am. Turns out, nope! A few years back, I started journaling. Gradually, I’ve come up with these five Rules:
1. MAINTAIN MY CLEARING IN THE FOREST. The clearing is where I think about who and how I want to be in the world. If I don’t go there regularly, the path through the trees will get taken over by undergrowth and I won’t be able to find my way when I really need it. So the first Rule is, reflect daily on the Rules.
2. GIVE MYSELF A FULL LIFE. These are my priorities, in order of importance. It’s not that I must pressure myself to magically do all of them perfectly all the time. It’s about remembering what I value so I can balance things out overall:
– HEALTH. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Sleep, decent eating, yoga, biking, all that good stuff about caring for my physical and mental well-being.
– MY HUSBAND. Yup, very lucky to still be married to my college sweetie John. I need to take care of my health first in order to be here for him, but then he comes before everything else.
– SATISFYING CAREER. I don’t have to make headlines or a ton of money; I do have to use my gifts well for work that feels worth doing. Been in my current role four years now, building a community of 300 philanthropic funders who are working to change the world. Plus a few volunteer projects close to my heart. But one of my struggles is to remind myself: career is *just one* of my priorities. It’s OK to not allow work to take over my life.
– A FEW FRIENDS. I’ve always struggled to carve out space for friend time. Work is consuming, husband is nice, couch is comfy. But having a few really good friends, and *being* a really good friend, are things I admire and want to have in my life.
– IMMEDIATE FAMILY. Always feel a little guilty about admitting this is last on the list. The reality is, I live on the West Coast, my family’s on the East Coast, and I have a bit of a phone phobia. So in terms of day-to-day effort, this doesn’t take up as much time as the other priorities… but it’s still a priority.
3. DON’T BE MEAN TO ME. Fundamentally, this is about not pulling my hair out. I’ve suffered from trichotillomania since age 11, now in recovery for 3.5 years thanks to this journaling practice which helped me realize it’s a deeply unkind way of coping with my fears.
4. HEART SHINING, UNAFRAID. This is my personal motto. It’s how I want to live my life and who I aspire to be. It’s also the Rule that has changed the most over time (I revisit them every 6 months or so). It started off as “Deliberately seek opportunities to make mistakes.” For awhile it was “Jump into the unknown.” It’s always about finding my courage.
5. ENJOY LIFE. This is my one and only life. I own it. It’s mine, I decide how to spend it, and I will not waste it being sad or scared. I will embrace my opportunities for joy.
I would love to know what you think. Anything resonate for you? Any advice you’d give me? Hope you’ll reach out. As you know, friends are one of my major life priorities!