My friends, I look at what so many of you are doing to change the world, and I judge myself against you. Usually harshly. I’m not doing enough, I’m not having enough impact, I’m not working hard enough. Maybe you do the same. I don’t want to contribute to that. Lately I can’t keep up with what I’ve been demanding of myself, and I hope it may be helpful to tell the truth to me and to you about that. So here’s the story of the last three weeks.

When I started telling people I was taking off most of December into January, they would ask, “Are you going anywhere?” And I would always joke, “Yes! I’m going to Organize The Garage!” That was the plan, and I had really and truly been looking forward to it for months.

But you know how sometimes you get on a plane and it just… sits there. Far from soaring off to your glorious destination, it’s just a heavy-ass lump of metal pinned to the ground. Delayed and delayed. Something’s broken.

That was me. Thought I was going to Organize The Garage. Turned out I was just going to Fall Apart.

At the start of the vacation, I let go my grip for a moment on all the to-do lists that organize my life and suddenly. I just. Couldn’t. Could not pick them up again. Couldn’t stand to even look at them. Couldn’t bear the thought of doing the things that I remembered were on them.

Didn’t know if I’d ever feel different again.

Pinned to the couch. Delayed and delayed. Something’s broken.

In a way, it was incredibly hard to listen to myself telling me, “STOP. I CANNOT DO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. STOP.”

But as frightening as it was to realize I was stuck there in the Land of Fall Apart — as much as I didn’t believe I had worked hard enough to justify having a burnt-out engine, didn’t think I’d accomplished enough to “earn” a break, didn’t recognize myself in the dreary light of this place I’d never wanted to go — doing nothing was an easy choice after all. Because it turned out to be my only choice. Whenever I tried to rev the engine, it was just plain dead. I wasn’t going anywhere and that was that. I had to wait and trust that I was giving myself good information on how to fix it.

I basically spent a week on the couch. Watching favorite movies on my phone, drinking tea, in front of the fire. Also eating. Went for a few walks around the neighborhood and thought about things. Wrote in my journal a little, when I felt like it.

Slowly found the energy to write a couple of emails, resigning from two of my volunteer roles. Not that I’d even been doing much of the work I’d signed up to do recently; I was just feeling constantly weighted down with the heaviness of so many “shoulds”. I looked at train schedules and came up with an experiment that might make my OC-to-LA commute easier. And I erased about two-thirds of the good habits I had told myself I wanted to track on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. I’ll do ’em or I won’t, whatever I feel like, but I’m not going to worry about them right now.

Gradually, as I lightened the load, I was able to get moving again. Get off the couch and go into the garage. And it was just as glorious as I’d hoped… not sharing pic for security reasons, but if you’re someone who actually knows me, ping me directly and I will be happy to share my beautiful beautiful garage with you.

So that’s the story of how I did finally get to Organize The Garage. Tomorrow it’s on to the next destination: I’m going to Go Back To Work. I’m a little anxious, but I’m hoping now that I’m carrying less, I’ll be able to soar again. There is still so much I’d like to be able to help with… at work, in my two remaining volunteer gigs, in my studying and writing about racial justice. But it doesn’t help if I lie to either of us about what I’m really able to do right now.

Let’s see what 2020 brings, and what I can bring to it. Heart shining brave. <3